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User talk:ShiaLaBeouf1567
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the File:2010-03-26 17.19.33.png page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:22, March 27, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 07:55, March 27, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story I'm sorry, but the story was well below quality standards. I'm sorry, but it's pretty obvious this wasn't proof-read. Looking over the story blocked by the abuse filter as well, I'm noticing a pattern. I wouldn't advise you to rely on spellcheck as a sole means of proof-reading your story as there are quite a lot of punctuation ("Why did I have to be cursed with you!(should have a question mark here)", "Why did your whore of a mother have to be such a bitch about everything.(? Even rhetorical questions need question marks)", "Should have given you up for adoption when I first got the chance." There are no interrupting actions in this dialogue, why exactly is it spaced as if there were? Then there's the multiple times you forgot to put apostrophes in possessive words: "his father(')s incoming fist", "to grab the man(')s arm and seize the bottle", "His father(')s face", "He had taken his fathers hunting rifle", etc.), wording ("The beast has less physical mass then (sic) the moon made out of souls." What exactly are you trying to convey there? "he managed to sputter the last legible words before his death." Legible means: "(of handwriting or print) clear enough to read.", "Consuming all of the emotion, all of the rage, all of the memories it could, it clutched his soul like an ice pick." What? You seem to have a number of instances where you try flowery wording that doesn't work.), and story issues. Story issues: The story is incredibly generic; a bullied teen that snaps and murders people. It's basically the plot of every OC that has every been created without any real originality. How exactly does he suddenly gain enough strength to catch and break his father's wrist/hand with no effort (breaking someone's hand with a single hand is incredibly unlikely for a teenager)? Then there are the bullies who are randomly tacked into the story with no reference before-hand. The just randomly appear at the end without any real point or build-up in the story. There's no mention of them until the end. With the protagonist being so hung up on them (enough to kill them), you'd think he'd talk/think about them at some point before then. Story issues cont.: The father is the cartoonishly evil character that is almost in every OC story and is really cliche The framing device also appears non-sensical due to its lack of any real impact on the protagonist. "He was now as beast-like as the creature. He felt nothing except pain..." and "The "disease" was later called Orarapsychis..." really make little to no sense here as it's about a generic teenager being abused, snapping, and murdering people. It seems like you wanted to go somewhere else with it, but forgot to include any connection to the body of the story. Really, even without the mechanical errors, the story feels very phoned in and generic. The premise has been recycled way too many times and has lost and sense of originality. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 08:26, March 27, 2016 (UTC)